Research: Understanding of death 0-11
0-2 years
At this young age babies and toddlers don’t have an understanding of death nor the language to say how they are feeling. However, they can definitely experience feelings of loss and separation and are likely to pick up on the anxiety or distress of close adults or others around them.
- No concept of death.
- Will notice the absence of a parent between 4-7 months.
- Anxious about separating from parent.
- Acts in ways they did when they were younger (regressive behaviour).
- Feeding and sleeping difficulties.
- Common reactions can include:
- looking for the person who has died
- being irritable
- crying more
- wanting to be held more; being clingy
- being less active – quiet, less responsive
- possible weight loss
- being jumpy, anxious
- being fretful, distressed
2-5 years
At this age children find it hard to understand that death is permanent. They are also at a stage of magical thinking, for example, thinking someone will come alive again or thinking somehow they made someone die. They understand separation though, and feel insecure and frightened when the familiar things around them change. This age group needs a lot of reassurance that they will be safe and looked after.
Sees death as reversible.
May feel they have caused the death.
May make up fantasies to fill gaps in knowledge.
Fears abandonment and separation.
Despair.
Angry about changes to their daily routine.
Sleep problems.
Complaints such as tummy aches.
Regressive behaviour eg sucking a thumb or wetting the bed.
Takes explanations literally.
Common reactions
Common reactions can include:
- looking for the person who has died
- dreams, or sensing the presence of the person who has died
- fearfulness, anxiety
- clinginess
- being fretful, distressed
- being irritable; having more tantrums
- withdrawing, being quiet, showing a lack of response
- changes in eating
- difficulty in sleeping
- toileting problems, bed wetting, soiling
- regressing in progress; for example, returning to crawling, wanting a bottle
5-11 years
- Starts to understand the finality of death at about eight years old.
- Withdrawal, sadness, loneliness.
- Gets angry more often, difficulty concentrating at school.
- Tries to be the perfect child.
- Regressive behaviour.
- Tries to be brave and control things.
- Feels different to their peers, struggles to express him/herself verbally.
All of the above relate to this age group, but it’s important to be aware that by this age children know death is final. They are also more aware of how adults and others around them are reacting to death. This group may also:
- be especially anxious about the safety of family and friends, and themselves
- try very hard to please adults and not worry them, and so not let themselves grieve
- feel stronger emotional reactions, such as anger, guilt, sense of rejection
- want to take on more adult responsibilities, trying very hard to please
- feel embarrassment; feel different from peers; may conceal their loss
- become more focused on what’s happened and ask questions, think about it a lot, have dreams about it, and perhaps want to talk about it often to others
Teenagers
By adolescence, death is accepted as part of life, but it may not have affected a teenager personally yet. Their reactions may fluctuate between earlier age group reactions and reactions that are more adult.
Teenagers will often want to be more with friends than family as they seek support. They may find the intensity of emotion overwhelming or scary and not be able to find the words or ways to talk about them with others. They may want to feel they’re coping, and be seen to be, but inside be hurting a great deal, or be putting their emotions on a shelf for a later time.
Death can so shake teens that some react with risk taking behaviour – to escape the feelings and reality and as a source of comfort; for example, drinking, drugs, more sexual contact or reckless driving.
Common reactions
Common reactions can include:
- being easily distracted, forgetful
- having difficulty concentrating at school
- being unsettled in class, a change in class performance, not wanting to go to school
- being overwhelmed by intense reactions, such as anger, guilt, fear
- having difficulty expressing intensity of emotions, or conflict of emotions
- blaming themselves for the death
- anxiety – increased fears about others’ safety, and their own
- having questions or concerns about death, dying, mortality
- dreams about, or sensing the presence of, the person who has died
- wanting to be near family or friends more
- withdrawing to be alone
- physical complaints, such as tummy aches, headaches, aching
- being irritable, defiant, more antisocial or displaying aggressive behaviour
- risk-taking behaviour to escape, to comfort, or to prove they’re alive and strong; for example, drinking, drugs, more sexual contact or reckless driving
- changes in eating, sleeping habits
- bedwetting
- jokes or humour, masking feelings
- saying, or acting like, they don’t care
- wanting to take on more adult responsibilities, trying very hard to please
- strained relationships with others – fear or awkwardness about being close to others
- feeling embarrassment; feeling different from peers; may conceal their loss
- a sense of loneliness – isolation
- a change in self-image, lower self-esteem
- possibly suicidal thoughts
- possibly moving from sadness into depression
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